The truth that there is no such thing as a permanent “self” rang true to me the first time I read it in Buddhist texts. After all, when you ask a person who they are, they often give some conventional reply – such as “I am John,” which is a name, or “I am a carpenter” which is just a job title. If you ask them to really tell you who they are, beyond these conventional things, they will either become angry and defensive or simply repeat the previous types of answers, insisting that they are those symbols or roles. A word of caution: don’t ask just anyone who they “really” are, because it can really upset people. Make sure you have a strong relationship and that the person can handle the question. If they say they are a man or a human, ask them when did they become one? Was it when they first realized it, or when they were born? If you go further back, was it when they were a fertilized egg, or a sperm? Even further, did they begin when their parents were born, or maybe even their grandparents? As you can see, it’s impossible to really say when someone becomes who they “are”, rather we simply agree that their current life begins when they are born and draw their first breath.
So, it’s very difficult to pinpoint when the thing we call ourselves actually began, and it is equally difficult to say when we end. Some will say it’s when they heart stops, some the breathe and many the brain activity. Since we don’t know when we become ourselves and when we cease to be, it is only logical to acknowledge that there isn’t any true, permanent self. In a greater sense we are all a part of everything else and never begin and never end.
Still, I know that I often feel quite alone, which is a feeling I shouldn’t get since I realize at least on a basic level that I’m never alone. When I feel lonely I wish to have a woman to share my thoughts and feelings with. It feels natural to want a women to share my life with, although I don’t know why. Lying alone at night, I sometimes feel as if I have failed to achieve something, or that I need to try harder to find someone to share life with, though all of these notions are based in a sense of self that I don’t believe truly exists. -I- feel that -I- need someone. That means that part of me believes there truly is something here that needs another something in order to feel like a more complete thing. Telling someone what I’m thinking somehow makes those thoughts more “real”, more important. If feels like having a witness means things really happened, that I didn’t just imagine them, and that makes me feel more alive. So much of our relationships are based on shared experiences that without them most of us would be quite alone with the very self that doesn’t exist. Perhaps we are socially or culturally conditioned to feel the need for other humans, and particularly the attention of the opposite sex, but I don’t like the thought of being so easily manipulated. I think I’ll go have some a bite of Brand X and a swig of Brand Y now, and go to sleep.
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