Hello Christians, Muslims and Jews (and all the other people out there who believe in less popular theistic religions). Here I shall say things that will bother you, but I’ll say them with a great deal of wit and charm.
Jews
Jews are funny, wealthy people. That’s why so many other people have hated them throughout history. It seems to me that you shouldn’t hate anyone, but especially not witty people who are doing better than you at the very thing you hate them for. Most Christians and Muslims don’t understand Jews, so of course they are a bit anti-Jew. Christians really don’t like the fact that Jews don’t worship the J-Man.
What do Jews think about the afterlife?
Jews are less concerned with the afterlife than Christians and Muslims, but they believe that you will either go to the Garden of Eden (heaven, basically), or purgatory. After the resurrection of the messiah and the renewal of the universe, Jews think that the true believers will have a nice little piece of the new world. One key difference in Judaism is that they don’t believe in hell – you go to purgatory for a maximum of 12 months of pain and suffering, and then you get to go to Eden. Nice.
How do you become a Jew?
Not easily or quickly. Rabbis are even supposed to try repeatedly to dissuade you from conversion, and the process can take six months to a year or more. You have to study a lot, then a panel quizzes you. Here is a nice guide titled “How to Go About Converting to Judaism.” On the plus side, they have way more holidays and great business contacts.
Christians
These used to be my people, before I left them for logic and common sense. I still have a fondness for Christians and their ideals, but I don’t buy the dogma. They are all about Jesus and to pin everything on a single principle or person seems limiting to me. The Christians were originally Jews, but they don’t like anyone to know about that and they never talk about it. They think Jesus Christ was the son of God and ignore all of the parts of the Old Testament that they don’t like, while embracing the parts they do.
What do Christians think about the afterlife?
Christians believe that through faith in Jesus Christ you will go into the presence of God after death, or without faith you will go out of the presence. If you have faith in Jesus, then your soul goes to heaven to await judgment day, otherwise you go to hell (or purgatory). This seems somewhat odd, since you are supposedly always in the presence of God during life and since God is to have created everything, then even in hell you would still be in his creation and therefore not completely out of his presence. When judgment day comes, you will stay where you are, except for people in purgatory who will probably go to heaven. Everyone alive on judgment day will be sent to either heaven or hell and the universe will be re-created.
How do you become a Christian?
Accept Jesus Christ into your heart as your Lord and savior who died for your sins, as the true Son of God. Some Christians also think you need to be baptized. That’s pretty much it. It’s faster than picking out car insurance online!
Muslims
The people of Islam are very mysterious to us westerners. The ironic thing is that they don’t hold radically different beliefs from most Christians and are even closer in faith to the Jews. They think Jesus was just another prophet (not the son of God), and not as important as Muhammad, who restored the faith to its monotheistic roots. Muslims were originally Jews as well, but they really don’t talk about it. The argument between Jews and Muslims dates all the way back to Abraham and his two sons, Isaac and Ishmael. Read more about that here.
What do Muslims think about the afterlife?
They believe that when you die you are judged by God and either go to heaven or hell, based on your faith in the Islamic teachings. Hell is a severe place of eternal torture and punishment. Heaven is Eden-like and yes, there are virgins. They are perpetually virgins (messy), and they are spousal in nature. Doesn’t sound great to me, but better than hell.
How do you become a Muslim?
Just speak aloud and believe that “There is no god apart from God, and Muhammad is the Messenger of God.” No water required. You don’t even have to say it in public.
Problems I have with Western Religions
-Free will is used as an excuse for why God allows humans to do terrible things. Apparently we have free will, but only up until the time that we die – then God takes that willpower away.
-We are not allowed to know “God’s plan,” so we must just assume that natural disasters, diseases and children dying are for our own good.
-Full of contradictions, like we are created in his own image but God isn’t a physical being. Very little historical evidence to back up many of the disputed facts in the Bible, and no secular evidence to support miracle claims or Jesus being the son of God.
-Faith is the ultimate crutch. Any serious discussion on these religions always ends up with the believer saying that they simply have faith.
-There are no allowances for other ideas or beliefs. You either believe in the dogma as presented, or you are a non-believer and therefore wrong. Psalm 14:1 “The fool hath said in his heart, There is no God. They are corrupt, they have done abominable works, there is none that doeth good.” I guess that makes every child a fool in the eyes of God, though he supposedly gave them life.
-Religious scholars almost universally agree that the afterlife and God’s form are unknowable and certainly indescribable in our linear languages. What you must do and not do, conveniently, are very easily definable using those same languages.
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